Resolution

I've never been a big new year's resolution person, I mean I always say I want to get more in shape, but then I think about that throughout the whole year, and really there's a lot of things I'd like to improve, but last night I did think of a resolution I'd like to make.

It's been way busy lately, just work, church, Christmas prep, etc. and last night I was in the midst of feeling run down and just going from one task to another with my mind continually thinking of what I needed to do next. I was washing dishes, my brain fried, my eyes red, my shoulders sagged and I plunged my hand into a bowl to rub out the remaining chocolate frosting in the sink and I suddenly realized squishing the chocolate and dish water in my hands felt good. My mind went back to my movement classes in college where we constantly explored the senses. We would crawl and dig in dirt and mess and enjoy that feeling. We would feel and smell each other's sweat as we danced and rolled around the studio. There was one class where we spread out around campus and were given a spot to stay in and observe - for a whole class period I crouched, crawled, climbed and got to know every nuance of an old, non-functioning fountain under the stairs of a building in bare feet and yoga pants.

One particularly intense class was filled with sensory experiences after being pushed to our physical limits, holding large rocks in the air until we thought our arms would fall off. Covered in muck and sweat, we had to hold a peeled hard-boiled egg in our mouth. We covered the floor in rose petals and balanced trays of water over our heads and finally poured the cold water on ourselves. This may all sound sort of ridiculous, but our senses were awakened in Jerry Gardner's movement classes - we were pushed to our limits physically and emotionally and, of course, as an actor your senses need to be absolutely, intensely alive.

I have four years to look back on of intense feelings, of daily being pushed and learning to rip open my chest and leave all insecurities, fear and embarassment at the door and it was the greatest four years of my life. But I graduated, what like four year ago? So last night as I exhaustedly stood at my kitchen sink I knew I wanted to resolve to be creative again. This doesn't mean I am going to quit my job and start performing Butoh in the streets, but I can try to regulary explore and refresh my senses. I still love reading and this is certainly satisfying and I love going for walks, but want to do that more.

I want to write. I have started little projects here and there, but let things fall to the wayside, I want to get back into it, not because I think I will pen the next greatest novel or screenplay, but because it is satisfying to the soul.

I want to play more piano and try to approach it from a more creative direction. I am good at sight reading, I enjoy playing, but my piano playing has become too functional - I play to accompany singers and choirs and even to accompany my own singing, but I want to maybe try writing some music and just get back to spending long evenings playing.

Basically I just want to be more pointed in a creative direction and remember that at heart I am creative. I really do forget this in the daily routines of working in an office and trying to keep up with housework and church responsibilities. My life is good and I am lucky that I enjoy my job and love my husband and my home, but I just think I would be more fun, interesting, fulfilled and have more to offer if I gave a little more focus to my creative side to balance out my anal/type-A side, because it would be easy to let this side of me take over, but I like the balanced me more.

Last night I also remembered a wonderful talk given by one of the leaders in my church, and a German (represent!), Dieter F. Uchtdorf, where he talked about being creative. He talked about the fact that we are here to find joy and one way to do this is through creating. We are children "of the most creative Being in the universe. Isn’t it remarkable to think that your very spirits are fashioned by an endlessly creative and eternally compassionate God? Think about it—your spirit body is a masterpiece, created with a beauty, function, and capacity beyond imagination...The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before. Everyone can create. You don’t need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty. Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty..."

I don't usually get churchy on my blog - but I do love that he is a proponent of creativity. Life should be full and rich, but we just need to take the time to break out of our routines and explore. So that's my new year's resolution. I guess I should resolve to be less long-winded when writing a blog entry too, I guess this makes up for the neglect my blog has seen lately.

Wednesday we head up to Salt Lake City - I'm excited for a white Christmas. Happy Holidays and here's to 2010!