Day of Birth

I'm a couple days behind on all my posts here, but my birthday just happened and I thought I'd do a little checkin' in on my aging.

It's been a hell of a year. The hardest year and yet also the year of the most growth and learning. I have been really blessed through the adversity I've faced. I always thought it was bunk when I'd hear about people being grateful for their trials, but I think I get that now. I am grateful because I have really grown a ton, learned a ton and I am grateful for what I've learned about myself and about the Lord. I have had more amazing spiritual experiences over these last several months than the whole of my life, really. I like the person I'm becoming. I like that my goals and standards and desires are being refined and refocused. I feel like I am starting a second life right now and it can be anything I want it to be. Don't know where this quote came from but, "In the depth of Winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible Summer."

This was from "He's Just Not That Into You" (read from a quote book from my friend in NYC - it's really good, actually!):
"A standard is setting a level for yourself of what you will or won't tolerate. You get to decide how it's going to be for you. You can now design the person you want to be in the future, and the standards you want to have. Make sure you know what you stand for and what you believe in."

So, I am 32 years old now, and let me say I like my 32 year old self so so much more than say, my 22 year old self. Things really do get better. I like that I am way more confident and ballsy now. With each year that passes, I worry less and less about what people think about me, less about fitting in and looking a certain way or being cool or whatever. I appreciate my tastes and opinions. I know I look better now than I did when I was a teen or 20's. Now, of course, I fear the downslope is on it's way, but I'm just going to enjoy my temporary upslope and try not to worry about the wrinkles which also increase with each year.

I said "ballsy" above, pardon the term, but I do like that I'm willing to put myself out there, speak my mind more, not take crap. I feel like a strong, empowered woman. (I am woman hear me roar...) No, but seriously. I often feel like I am a little kid pretending to be an adult - like I'm wearing an adult costume, pretending I know how to work and function in the world. I suspect most people feel this way sometimes. But, for instance, doing my trip last week was great. Yes, I met up with my friends in MS and NY, but I felt great travelling on my own, making my way around NYC. I don't know, that sounds weird. I've always been pretty independent, but I am enjoying it more fully now. Fear and self-doubt lessens with time. Now, I say all this, and yet I still realize I am way more self-conscious and down on myself than I should be. Just yesterday my good friend was telling me I need to quit it, and he's right, but I am making progress, is the point. And I want to continue progressing with this line of thought: believing in myself and not making the comparisons to others that women so often do.

I won't get into it at this time, but I am super invigorated and excited to make some big career changes this year. Now is the time to pursue the things I care about and make a reality out of dreams that I always talked myself out of pursuing. That's something I way regret about myself 10+ years ago: I was too scared and made way too many excuses which kept me from doing things. Thing were always too expensive or not smart or practical - yuck. So, now I have this second shot to DO. I am going to get off my butt and put the work in and make things happen: yes, it's scary and impractical and expensive and risky, but I say, bring it on. Carpe Diem, right?

A while ago there was a lesson in one of my classes at church where the teacher was talking about To Do lists, we all have these lists, but she talked about having a To Be list. Who do I wanna be? I am. I want to be. And another churchy quote, but which is a great focusing thought for me:

"Love the Lord with all your heart, might, mind and strength. Enlist in great and noble causes. Create of your homes sanctuaries of holiness and strength. Magnify your callings in the Church. Fill your minds with learning. Strengthen your testimonies. Reach out to others. Create of your life a masterpiece."
I love that last sentence: create of your life a masterpiece.

Happy Birthday, Heidi. Here's to an amazing year ahead.

(Oh, and I hope I meet some hot British or Australian or other dudes - ha!)